Parents: Leave coaching to coaches

1/8/2013

        
Thousands of times a day, worldwide, a child or teenage athlete wakes up on game day with a huge knot in his stomach. As he goes through his pre-game routine, his tension and nervousness builds up and his thoughts run wild turning to worry and then real anxiety…

“I have to play well today.”
“I must have a good game to make my parents proud; they’ve spent so much money and time on me.”
“If I don’t play good today, coach might bench me.”
 
Some young athletes develop headaches and other physical problems from this stress and have to bow out of competition right before the event starts...some grit their teeth and do their best to hide their inner turmoil...and most finish their event scratching their head in bewilderment as to why they can't perform in the game like they do in practice.
 
Sometimes, this anxiety increases to the point that they eventually can’t take it anymore and they throw up before the event.
 
The pressure has damaging consequences to young minds and bodies and often sets them up for a lifetime of unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with stress.
 
In survey after survey, doctors report that 90% of all office visits are due to stress. So what do we do with our young athletes in sports? We put more stress on them in a misguided attempt to "prepare them for the real world."
 

sports parentListen, I work with young athletes every day and I'm here to tell you that there is already enough pressure and stress on them without parents adding more. The pressure on young athletes to come through with winning performances is much greater than previous generations. 
 

They get plenty of real world experience from their coaches, teammates and just trying to keep their ego and self-identification as an athlete intact. I believe that’s all they need to learn to prepare for the competitive adult world.
 
Unless you’ve got a lazy, unmotivated athlete that really needs to be pushed, parents need to do everything they can to avoid adding more stress and pressure to their athletic kids.
 
Now, I have to say that most parents are pretty good about cheering on their kids and not overtly adding stress, but what they don’t realize is that they do this without knowing it in a number of ways:

  • Any time a parent offers unsolicited advice about how to perform better.
  • Whenever a parent communicates disappointment in body posture or facial expressions let alone words and tone in their voice.
  • When parents hug, hold and touch their kid in celebration of good performances and withhold doing that after poor performances.
  • When praise only comes after good performances.

Kids’ and teens’ subconscious minds pick this up more than you would guess and it destroys their sense of being accepted and loved by their parents. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard from kids that the most important thing in the world to them is making their parents proud. 
 
Parents of young athletes must recognize that their number one job is to support their kid by making sure that they clearly receive communication, often and with conviction, that their approval and love of their child is NOT dependent on how he or she performs in their sport.  
 
The irony of this whole thing is that when parents put this kind of pressure on their kid, it actually is more likely to HURT their performance. If you ask any sports psychologist on the planet what the number one issue is holding all athletes back, you will get the same answer: performance anxiety.  
 
Young athletes play their best when they play for the love of their sport and their own internal desire to challenge and improve themselves. Parents can help out by consistently pointing out and praising in your young athlete “what they do well” and leave the criticism and coaching to the coaches. 
 
Craig Sigl’s work with youth athletes has been featured on NBC TV and ESPN Sports Radio. Get his free ebook: “The 10 commandments for a great sports parent” and also a free .mp3 guided visualization to help young athletes perform under pressure by visiting MentalToughnessTrainer.com.


The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of the National Alliance for Youth Sports.

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